


Eren's Great Botheration

by haelsningar



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Crack, Eren is angry, I REGRET NOTHING, Link is perfection, M/M, SO ANGRY, Woe is Eren, and exasperated, bow before him, like seriously crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 12:57:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11647017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haelsningar/pseuds/haelsningar
Summary: Eren finds himself in quite the predicament; there's a new recruit among the Training Corps, and he's totally stealing Eren's spotlight. What will our favourite little ball of incandescent rage do about this? Read to find out.





	Eren's Great Botheration

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aviveee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aviveee/gifts).



> This is probably the best thing I have ever written. Call me when my pulitzer prize is ready.

Eren is quietly relaxing in the dining court. It’s the night before their graduation and he feels that he should celebrate with Mikasa and Armin but he finds that he cannot. No, sadly, Eren is far too angry to celebrate the end of three arduous years of training coming to an end. This in itself is not unusual since Eren is very often angry. In fact, one would not be so disgustingly wrong as to be executed on the spot for one’s misstep if one dared to state that Eren Jaeger is  _ nearly always _ angry. But tonight, Eren’s anger is different than usual. Normally Eren is just angry about broad topics, like the fact that Titans exist or that some people aren’t as suicidal as him and would therefore rather join the Military Police than be eaten  _ by _ Titans. Tonight though, Eren is angry about something much more specific. He is angry because of The New Recruit. The New Recruit joined them about a week ago and was unjustly allowed to skip the previously mentioned three arduous years of training that Eren (and everyone else, but mostly Eren, okay) had to go through in order to graduate. The New Recruit was apparently a big deal in his home district. He managed to defeat The Titan known by the local population as “The Calamity”, armed with only a paraglider and a chicken. It seems the guy accomplished this through some strange combination of luck, pyromania, and partial nudity. Because of this incredible feat he was deemed to have enough combative skills to skip most of the otherwise required military training.

So The New Recruit was sent here, to train and join the military, and for some reason he’s reached near superstar status among the Training Corps. Eren doesn’t see why though. Surely the guy isn’t that great. But somehow he’s managed to win the hearts of every single member of the 104th Training Corps. Sasha was the first one to submit to his charms. He offered her a piece of Raw Prime Meat on his first day and she was like putty in his hands. Everyone else was quick to follow her. In fact, just right now Eren can see his two best (and only, who are we kidding) friends crowding around him, Armin playing a game of chess against him while Mikasa recounts to him the heartwarming coming-of-age story of how she once murdered a man when she was nine.  _ Dammit _ , thinks Eren,  _ that was  _ our _ story. We used to laugh and reminisce about that together. _ Yes, Eren is bitter. This  _ Link _ fellow just waltzed right in and turned everything in his life around.

Eren looks longingly over at his friends. He wonders how this happened, how they could abandon him so easily. He knows that Armin is impressed by Link’s strategic abilities and sharp intellect, and Mikasa by his cold-blooded killing tendencies and his strength which, like hers, is disproportionate for someone of his size and build.

“Anyway, then I stabbed the third guy, piercing his heart from behind—”

“Aha! What are you going to do now?” Exclaims Armin, interrupting Mikasa as he moves one of the chess pieces, before facing Link with a triumphant grin on his face. Link brings his hand to his chin in a contemplative motion, analysing the game before him in great detail, before apparently making his decision.

“HYAAH KYEH HAA HYAAAH HUH!” he shouts as he slams his face into the chessboard, sending the pieces scattering to the floor.

Silence settles around the table, all of the Training Corps having watched Link’s move with great anticipation. Armin looks at the scene in front of him in disbelief.

“What a brilliant move,” he finally says. “Why didn’t I think of that? Link-senpai, please teach me how to play as well as you!”

Eren bristles from his seat at the other end of the room. He knows he’s not as smart as Armin, but that’s never been a problem in their friendship until now. Now he feels inadequate. He knows that he can never compare to Link when it comes to wits and intelligence; the guy’s practically a genius. All Eren’s got going for him is his  constant anger which, come to think of it, usually just puts people off, rather than make them like him, so really he’s got nothing.

 

* * *

 

The following day, when the Titans attack Trost District, Eren sees his chance to maybe finally get one up on Link, to be better than him for once. Link’s a good soldier, yes, but Eren’s not steaming, three-days-old, rotten horseshit either, so he has a chance. If he can just take out enough Titans, save the day so to speak, then surely his friends will go back to worshipping and being sidekicks to  _ him _ instead of Link. But just as Eren’s about to slice a Titan’s neck, he sees something out of the corner of his eye. Upon closer inspection he sees that it’s Link. The man is flying through the air, wearing only his underwear and his vertical maneuvering equipment, and screaming unintelligibly. He heads straight towards the titan that Eren had his sights set on and slices its neck in one clean, smooth motion.  _ How can I ever compete with that, _ Eren thinks.  _ He’s pure grace! _

But the next second, fate turns in Eren’s favour: Link’s cylinder has run out of gas! Link falls towards the ground, and to what seems to be his sure death (because no one can survive a fall that high), but then, in the moment right before impact, he manages to swing his sword, saving him from being splattered against the pavement. However, Link is not safe yet! Because before he has even had time to collect himself after the fall, he is spotted by one of the Titans nearby.

Most Titans just look like big, slightly disproportionate people, but some are different. Some, have no skin, or have more severe deformations than the others. The one currently heading for Link though, looks different than any other Eren has ever seen. It’s big, and red, and has some sort of strange growth on its head that almost looks like a… shark? Link, ever the brave, even in this moment of tactical disadvantage, rushes at the Titan, attacking it’s foot with his blade. The sword pierces the Titan’s skin and lodges itself in its flesh. However, before Link can pull it back and attack again, the Titan has moved its foot away, taking Link’s weapon along with it.

Eren should help, he knows, but his bitterness has taken over and he stands frozen, watching.  _ This is it _ , he thinks.  _ This is the moment this smug bastard dies and I get my friends back! _ He watches with perverted glee as Link picks up the first thing he can find to defend himself with—a small tree branch—and charges at the Titan once more, spirits never wavering. It is then, however, that the most unexpected thing happens! The Titan looks down at the small, naked hero, angrily waving a tree branch at it, and falls head over heels in love. The fish-titan scoops Link up in one giant hand and gives him a fond look. It reaches its other hand forward to present him with a piece of Zora Armour, in a gesture which can only be interpreted to mean “look babe, I love you, but for fuck’s sake, you can’t be running around naked like this. Just put on this freaking armour kay?”. It is a beautiful moment.

The rest of the fighters who have all gathered around to watch the unexpected scene chime into a chorus of “awwww”s. Eren is disgusted and angry.

Mikasa happens to be the person standing closest to the couple and wastes no time in fishing out her pocket bible and officiating the wedding ceremony between the two. Her speech is long and contains perhaps a few more references to murder and fighting than the average wedding speech, but Link and the Titan both think it is absolutely perfect. After the vows have been spoken (“HAH KYAH HYEH” from Link and a sort of wordless roar from the Titan) the two proceed to have freaky and anatomically improbable sex in the middle of the street. The rest of the Training Corps go back to the battle, but find that during the distraction of the wedding, the other Titans have eaten all of the inhabitants of Trost district. They have breached Wall Rose and are probably halfway to Wall Sheena by now. Eren’s eye twitches.


End file.
